Scientists Find Body of Jesus Christ In Space and Discover That He’s Still Alive

Until last week, I had never considered myself much of a believer.  I was a very spiritual person, yes.  But that didn’t prevent me from thinking all Christians, and Muslims and whatever you call those people who view soccer player Maradona as their god were complete nutcases.

Before I discovered the truth about Jesus and that he is still alive, all those religions to me seemed like nothing but the adult version of believing in Santa Claus.

I mean, around the age of 18 we’re all old enough to realize Maradona doesn’t really exist, right? 😉

But last weekend, I had a deep talk with one of my friends, did some research and it made me see the light. Jesus still lives. I’ve seen him looking down at me from the heavens every day since that talk on sunday morning.  Amen.


The Search for the Historical Jesus

When you look at all the research done by historians to find whether Jesus actually existed or not, there is almost a universal agreement that a historical figured called Jesus did, in fact exist. They also agree he was baptized by a man named John and crucified by a roman emperor.  A couple of things they are not so sure about (surprise surprise) is whether he walked on water, was the son of a virgin or returned from the death without looking like a rotting zombie corpse.

Some people have made the case that there are various historic figures who could be the real Jesus, either living during that time, or much earlier. In any case, the historic Jesus died thousands of years ago.

But any good Christian knows that Jesus is not dead. His divine presence continues to bring light in our life every day and we can feel his warmth in our heart.  Amen.

Is it maybe possible then, that the Jesus in the bible is just a different figure that these heretic researchers forgot to consider when they dared to doubt the immortal word of god?


Meet Mr. Sun

In case you haven’t heard of him, let me introduce you to a guy that has saved my life multiple times just by existing.

His name is “The Sun”.

He's a huge ball of hot plasma that has some other huge ball-like objects made out of other materials circling around it. 'One of them is the planet I suppose you’re standing on: earth. (If this is not the case: Hiya, first interplanetary readers! I welcome you. Please behave on my planet and don't kill no people. With the exception of most politicians, big corporations and the people who wrote the ending for How I Met Your Mother.)

The sun is by far our most important source of energy for life on earth. Without the sun, we would not exist. Humans have always known this, so as far back as 10,000 years before the alleged birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, ancient cultures have thanked and worshipped this ball of “fire” for being there.

Because every time the sun rose from the dead again, it brought people light, vision and warmth. It was their savior from the darkness of the night, filled with evil and dangerous creatures that could sneak up on them and attack them.  Without the light of the sun, plants wouldn’t grow, and life on this planet would die. Which made Mr. Sun one the most adored peeps to be hanging around this planet for just about every culture alive.

But the sun is not the only ball of fire hanging around in our universe.  There a lots of others. Around the dawn of civilization, people learned to make a map of these stars and how they related to the earth's movements, to predict events like solar eclipses .

This map on the left for example was called the cross of the zodiac. With the sun in the middle, and the twelve different groups of stars (which we identify by recognizing figures in them, a bit like that thing that’s supposed to look like a bear ).

The 12 star groups were used by humans to follow the journey of the earth and the sun as they seemingly moved through these twelve months of the year. And when you look closely, the cross in the middle divides the 4 seasons. If we didn’t know any better, we’d think Mr. Sun was cruficied in this picture 😉

As you can see, these ancient cultures literally created imaginary personifications to represent these different groups of stars.  And they created cutesy little stories about them. Like how the Sun, the bringer of light and the giver of life and all creation, traveled throughout the year, making everyone’s life better.  What a miracle.

The stories actually had value for people. For example, in the month of the constellation of Aquarius”, the “waterman”, people knew the spring rains would start. This is important knowledge for farmers or gardeners. Or people who like singing in the rain and making movies about it.

For example, as the year comes to an end, and fall moves to winter. The sun starts hanging lower and lower (moving south on the horizon), days start shorting and there are more “dead” or “dormant” things around us (just look at the trees). More darkness.

Around December 21 or 22 it stops traveling south and stands still for a couple of days. It is now the longest period of darkness in the year. Ancient cultures saw this moment as the Death of their sun god. But after this period, on December 25th, the sun starts to move upwards again. Signaling “better times to come” and thus, we view it as the birth of the sun (or, you know, "the son").

Ancient cultures celebrated this period just like us, because these important events allowed them to know when the cold months would come and when food production would slow down or halt in their location.

Another important event like this is the moment of the “spring equinox”, which is the day the sun officially overpowers the darkness and day becomes longer than night, causing spring flowers to bloom again. Which falls on the original date of Jesus’resurrection / easter.

Most of the older religions on this planet had multiple Gods that resembled aspects of our existence on this planet. The sun. The sky. The water. The ground. Femininity. Masculinity. The darkness killing the sun every night and it taking it to the “underworld” as it moved under the horizon. The light conquering darkness the next morning, etc.

They told stories about these that were symbolic myths people could retell over and over again to share wisdom with future generations. Wisdom of a life lived in accordance with nature and the seasons. Age old wisdom that helped people treat each other better, traces of which are still to be found here and there in the bible (but are as old as Buddhism, Hinduism or even older civilizations).

The beauty of this was that while most animals use a lot of their instincts to remember these things, humans could externalize important information in myths and stories for when they needed it. This way, we freed up capacity from our brains to use for other things and could refer to the information we stored in stories and later books when we needed it.

That is why so many religions from all over the world have similar stories. They all worship symbolic personifications of nature and tell stories that represent some of its processes or contain important information. They all celebrate the birth of Christ/Horus/Hanukkah or whatever the hell your religion invented for the winter solstice, summer solstice, the equinoxes and other important natural or astrological events because they mark important changes in nature.

Now if we look at the original cross of the Zodiac, in the middle we find this:

Which is a pagan religious symbol representing the sun.  Surrounded here by his circle of twelve apostles, ehm. I mean months.

If you’d have better drawing skills and saw the sun and the constellations as real people, I guess the picture would look something like this:

Not the convenient placing of the sun, and how jesus has actually always been depicted as the sun by artists through history who forgot why exactly that was:

Okay BRO... But If Jesus Is the Sun, Then Where Do All the Wise Words In the Bible Come From? Giant balls of plasma can't write, can they?

At one point in history there was a problem in the roman empire: the Jews of that time, didn’t want to worship the Roman emperor and revolted.  The Romans dealt with this problem by gaining control over the Jewish teachings. They made a new religion about the same god, putting it together with old stories from Egypt, Greece, Persia, Babylonia, other pagan cultures that worshipped the sun and even stories from the emperor’s own life to create Christianity.

Then they mixed all that wisdom from older cultures with common sense ( “Don’t treat people in a way you wouldn’t want to be treated. “You Shall Not Kill” - duh.) so that people would appreciate its advice and trust the book, while sneakily including some rules and commandments that urged the Jews to stop fighting and to behave more submissively towards the Romans. They made Christianity the official religion and destroyed all the other pro-Jewish texts, basically forcing this new form of religion on them.

If you read the bible, it’s obvious that for a ball of plasma in the sky who can’t speak to correct it, his teachings were very convenient for Roman emperors. He went around telling the Jews to pay their taxes (“Give unto Caesar what is Caesar’s”) and to behave submissively towards their enemies (”Turn the other cheek”).  Jesus taught the Jews to put down their swords and be pacifists, so the Romans could more easily dominate them. This was by design. It’s exactly how the Romans wanted the Jews to behave.

They knew it would be rather hard to convert all those Jews, so they used both oppressive force and an ingenious marketing system to ensure the belief system got passed on to future generations and mae every generation easier to rule. The Romans were already in power, and this was a great way to strengthen their already dominant position.

It was a very smart move. Why do suicide bombings or build concentrations camps when you can just dominate and integrate a large number of people by brainwishing them some fake religion?  Yes, you'll need to coerce the first couple of generations into believing it, but after a while, the problem takes care of itself.

But did they it even better: When the Flavian-dynasty Romans wrote up the stories about Jesus, they set his existence to be decades earlier during the previous Roman dynasty. Then they included prophecies about the second coming of Christ and what it would look like. Of course it’s easy to prophesize about the future accurately when that supposed future is actually in your past. The prophecies were written to match up with previous military campaigns of the emperor, so that the inhabitants would see him as the second coming of Christ and obey his rules even more. (Keep in mind that this is not as weird as it may sound: Roman emperors or Egyptian pharaoh’s were often called “the son of god”.)

So the water-into-wine turning incarnation of humanity's Sun god, was actually pro-Roman propaganda vehicle, designed to pacify the Jews and make them easier to dominate. This proved to be so effective that the mechanism is still in action to this day.  Which should make you kind of happy that at least they plagiarized the older cultures that included some positive messages, instead of going full Nazi on us with their belief system.

I bet that emperor would be pretty impressed if he’d find out how well his plan played out. Millions of people still believe his scam. Which lead to such fun periods in history as the dark ages, the witch hunts and the crusade.  And it was even more effective at turning people into obedient slaves than money, laws or war.

The genius of Christianity’s marketing is that it antagonizes non-believers, you can’t prove it wrong and that it encouraged people to convert others. So it spreads like a computer virus among humans. And in case it didn’t work, they’d just send an army of holy knights to invade your country with god in their side.

Even better, the set of beliefs he used to control his people included an ingrained defense system against anyone who tries to warn them that they are being abused and brainwashed:
Something like “This blog post telling us Christianity is really just a parody of older religions and the real identity of Jesus is a giant ball of plasma that makes the people in Jersey sure look like Donald Trump if they absorb his light long enough sound very, very convincing. Which means that just like dinosaur fossils, the lord must’ve put it here to test our faith. Thank you lord! I will not fail this test! Now that I’ve seen all this overwhelming evidence of you not being real, I’m even more convinced you must be real. Because I recognized it as an illusion and a test of my faith. Pepijn is the devil. Hallelujah.”



Religion is one of the most effective for convincing people to behave submissively, which makes it easier to dominate and govern them. A belief system that teaches people to be passive, submissive, docile, and generous is also helpful in creating a large pool of slave-like workers with 9-5 jobs that make other people rich.

As with any religion I have to admit there are also lots of positive aspects to the teachings of Christianity that I really like. But most of those are just universal truths (wisdom of the ages) that are also expressed by Hindus, Buddhists, Socrates or science. As for the other parts… Thank you I’ll pass.

If up until now you’ve been a Christian and are already furiously debating why God created this blog post to test your faith. Sorry to blow your bubble, but I typed it. But don’t worry. God told me to type it. And he told me to tell you this:

Always question your own beliefs.  Where do they come from?  Which parts of your knowledge and philosophy was taught by others?  Which parts did you actually discover yourself?  Is it possible that you’ve been living by a moral code that was created to make people more obedient and moldable? Is that how you want to live?  A slave to a dead emperor?

I know it my be very scary to start abandoning every thing you’ve always known. Especially if everyone you know agrees with that knowledge. But has anyone ever been to hell?

Wouldn’t it be much more freeing to realize that we are all just derping around in this physical reality for a moment?  That we can look into our own hearts to figure out what morality really means instead of listening to words specifically designed to make sure we keep swallowing our oppressor's bullshit?

Could the fear of letting go of that belief be something installed in your belief system to make sure you don’t want to leave and keep giving the Lord money every sunday?

Because when you know who Jesus is, you can’t help but wonder what this almighty dude would need your money for. I mean he’s a ball of fire 149.600.000 km away from this planet (clickbait delivered 😉 ) What’s he gonna buy with it in space? Little kids as present for his priests?

Elvis is dead, and 2Pac rapped his last syllable, but Jesus is most certainly still alive. I used to believe it wasn’t possible that some dude in the sky was always watching our every move. But now I know He is.  And if you want to talk to him, just look right up to the heavens (make sure you’re wearing sunglasses though).

May the Lord’s light forever shine on you! 😉


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